The Fowler Family Christmas Letter

"I'm amazed that you two are able to think up something new and stupid every year." ~ Lonnie's Mom


2021 - The Re-Gift Year

This year, we started a re-gift store after our failed mime careers. Here's our big box store-inspired sales flyer and accompanying letter below.



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The Sales Flyer
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The Letter
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2020 - The Quiet Year

This year, we mailed out a CD booklet. We had the striped shirts and everything, but ended up going black and white and recreating the famous Beatles album artwork from "With The Beatles".

We posted full audio-only recordings of each mime performance on YouTube. (see below for link)
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Front Cover.
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Inside Left
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Inside Right
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Back Cover
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Listen to the album on Youtube. There is a literal recording for each song, including a special live recording recorded downtown.

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2016 - The Very Precious Year

The boys hate this one. We knew they would, so that's why we put it out right before Coyle started middle school to get it out of the way while his friends wouldn't care as much. They are great sports about the whole letter and are active contributors, but there is no way they would've let us do it the following year.

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2016




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2015 - The Year Our Kids Sued Us

This year saw two letters and two photos. We sent a drawing and handwritten letter and our boys sent out their promotional law firm photo along with their letter.

You can still hear their outgoing voicemail at the listed phone number 615.270.5525


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Our Letter
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The Boys and their firm.
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The Letter From Their Law Firm
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Our Drawing, Since We Couldn't Afford a Photo
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2014 - The Year We Made The Paper

This year, we sent our letter out in the form of a newspaper article. It was printed on newsprint and looked like it had actually been clipped out of a newspaper.

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2014
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2013 - The Year We Made a Ventriloquisimusical

This is the year that we took up ventriloquism and created a horrible idea for a musical. I remember this one being the first one the boys were more conscious about the letter tradition and wanting to help make it as good as they could. That was a highlight for us.

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2013




It was the Best of Years, It Was the Worst of Years,

You may remember Robin Valley Farms, our attempt to commercialize “The Other Red-Breasted Meat®” on our robin farm last year. Well, it didn’t work out like we had imagined. It was too much work. But more importantly, we got tired of all their crap. Especially Coyle, who kept complaining to us about accidentally catching some of the droppings in his mouth. So naturally we told him, “Shut your mouth.” Little did we know where that bit of stellar parenting would lead.

During his time guarding himself from the ‘airborne bird flu’, Coyle learned to talk without opening his mouth. Having inherited Lonnie’s gift of “closed-mouth gab” (perfected during talent night at Camp Pequot back in the years of his never awkward adolescence), we decided Coyle was ready for the next level and needed a real dummy. Cue Sara.

After a few weeks of practicing opening her mouth at a buffet with Coyle standing behind her and pulling her shirt, she was ready. The afternoon of our first rehearsal, we quickly explained it to Miles and he was ready. We decided to work on developing characters first and landed on Sara portraying “Pearl, the singing church lady”, which goes well with Coyle’s wonderful soprano voice. Miles became Oliver Twist, mostly because the cockney accent is the only one Lonnie can do well (“G’day mate, guv’nah. Care for a spot of shrimp on the barbie?” )

Having worked many long hours, we finally put the finishing touches on our new ventriloquismusical, “Oliver! And Pearl, the Singing Church Lady!” It’s a tasteful combination of a Dickens’ novel and a small town church choir director and all the crazy capers you’d imagine them experiencing together. The finale takes audiences on a thrill ride through the moors of England while Pearl yodels alternate lyrics to “The Lonely Goatherd” and her trademark laugh line “You just scared the Dickens out of me!”

Kiddie has enjoyed a break from the farm and loves the slower pace of hoping to take tickets at the door during our performances. Be sure and come check out our opening night performance last Thursday @11:30pm in the parking lot of The First United Methodist Church (we still haven’t worked out a deal to use their sanctuary).


Merry Christmas, Dummies!
The Fowlers
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2012 -The Year We Started a Robin Farm

Complete with bird dropping stains made from greek yogurt, this was when we started a robin farm. This was the last photo appearance of our dog Kiddie in any of the photos. She was a good dog.
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2012


Dear Loved Ones (and those on our mailing list), December 2012

It has been a good year. The robin harvest was plentiful.

Yes, it’s true. We have moved out of our cave and into what we hope is the lucrative world of robin farming. During our time in the cave, which we now refer to as our “dark period”, we developed a taste for what we’ve coined as “The Other Red-Breasted Meat®”. Naturally, our newfound appetite for robin meat and their delicious blue eggs prompted the urge to uproot the family and implement another radical lifestyle change.

Because we still didn’t have a car, we decided to venture out on foot to find a place to start our new life breeding birds. We came across an abandoned farm just a few miles down the road from the cave. As far as we know, we’re the only squatters running a working robin farm in the county. Miles had actually spent a few weeks on the farm when he had wandered away from the cave in 2011 and was a great help in showing us around as we settled into our squat.

Believe it or not, working a fully operational robin farm is as glamorous as it sounds. After a peaceful night resting our heads on our homemade robin-down pillows, we start the day bright and early with a 50 egg omelette for the family to share. Honestly, these eggs are so delicious that even Sara’s cooking can’t ruin them. However, gathering that many takes quite a while. So by the time we’re done with all the preparations and cooking, it’s time for lunch. A quick siesta after lunch and then we’re able to start the farm chores at 4pm.

If you think life on a farm is a piece of cake, think again. Lonnie broke his arm getting out of the siesta hammock just a few weeks ago and Sara has had to take on double duty planting worms. Now this is in addition to letting the birds out to pasture which is actually quite complicated. She opens the gate and the robins fly out for the day. Then when our workday ends at 4:30, she opens the gate and the birds return. Or not. We hate to grouse, but it has been tough to find an insurance company that can actually insure the losses for our 90% “fly-away” rate.

We thought that having a border collie to help work the flock would be a great help. But, it turns out that Kiddie doesn’t know how to work the clutch on the tractor and her contribution has been minimal. The boys do love it here, though. While Coyle could do without all the droppings, Miles can’t contain himself every time it starts raining what he calls “ice cream from heaven.”

Well, these robins aren’t going to farm themselves and we’ve got a busy schedule to keep - it’s almost time for our siesta. The robin is a wonderful animal and we wish that you all lived close enough so that we could invite you into the warmth of our home and give you all the bird in person.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,
The Fowlers
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2011 - The Year We Lived in a Cave

We simplified our lives to the point of having no possessions and living in a cave. Having shot the photo at a nearby state park, we moved quickly while stripping down (to bathing suits) for the photo. The black boxes never could have been big enough for Sara's liking.
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2011


Hello,

As we sit by the crackling light of our early December cave fire, we reflect on the many ups and downs of 2011. The life of a hip-hop star was filled with riches, fame, gold teeth, rap battles, Que-$ara's own line of plus-size designer clothing called "Miz HuskyThredz", tweets filled with bad grammer, yelling at the guy that polished the spinner rims on our Camry, and the feeling of pride knowing that both of our boys made parole. However, the fast-paced lifestyle of almost getting invited to lots of parties caught up with us and we found ourselves exhausted, broke, and in need of a change.

What started out as a couple of laps in the pool of luxury quickly turned into our family drowning in bad debt, a "Miz Husky Thredz" lawsuit, and us having to fire MC Hammer as our financial advisor. After filing for chapta 7 bankruptcy (yo, we still keep it realz), we decided it was time to simplify. But, the Fowlers don't simply simplify, we simplify in the most complicated way possible.

What better way to put our own stamp on a simpler life than getting rid almost everything and moving into a cave in the hills of outer Nashville? But since we're not neanderthals, we kept all of our burnable items and our keys. We didn't plan on keeping our keys, but without them, the feeling that we were forgetting something was simply overwhelming. Putting a little stick rack by our cave entrance to hang them on after a day foraging in the forest really makes it feel like we're coming home.

We moved into our cave with a few changes of clothes to keep warm. Then unsurprisingly, on the first night below freezing in our cavernous abode, Sara decided that building a fire with our clothes as kindling kept us much warmer than just wearing them. The whole family agreed with her logic for a toasty 3 hours. However, the sooty aftermath had us all longing for our days decked out in Miz Husky Thredz, building squirrel traps and talking cave politics.

Overall, the simple life has been a pleasant change. The cell service inside our cave is so poor (thanks a lot, AT&T), that we feel rather solitary. Aside from the fact that our cave is in a popular state park, we're pretty much disconnected from the outside world. Our hobbies now include: making toothpicks, arguing about what month it is, throwing rocks at hikers and telling those "strolling hippies" to "stay off our lawn", and decorating our cave with berry juice paintings and rocks that look like modern household items.

The boys love life here. We've adopted the "free-range children" idea of parenting. We just let the boys do whatever they want and they pretty much raise themselves. Aside from Miles wandering off for a month or so sometime around summer's first full moon, they've policed themselves pretty well with their rocks and sticks. But don't think we're deadbeat parents that aren't involved. We started a rock soccer league for the boys. Although, we're thinking of taking the kids out of it because the practice schedule just doesn't work for us. Also, we got Coyle a small fire for his birthday (which he immediately blew out thinking it was a candle and not his present).

Kiddie definitely loves it here. She heads to the river each morning, drinks as much water as she can and then spends the day marking all 80 acres of her new territory.

Well, we better get going. We have to go put some presents underneath our Christmas tree. And since we haven't decorated it yet, it will take a while because we can't remember which tree it actually is.

Simply,
The Fowlers
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2010 - The Year of the Hip-Hop Mommy

We created a hip-hop theme and this year came with an actual recording of Sara rapping.

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LISTEN TO SARA'S RAP, "BLEEP ON MY HANDS"


2010


Ho Ho Ho and a Yo Yo Yo Everybody,

As most of you know (those that actually read our letters), last year we started a family biker gang. But about 20 minutes into Bike Week down in Daytona Beach, we realized that we probably aren’t the biker gang type. Maybe it was our accents, maybe our clothes, or maybe it was because we were the only bikers driving a car. Either way, we didn’t belong. It was like when you go to the store, try on a hat, and look at yourself in the mirror and you realize “I’m just not a hat person.” Only in our case, the “hat” wasn’t a hat at all, but a helmet.

Deep down, we know that we’re still a type of gang. But, if we’re not a biker gang, what type of gang are we? Well, in order to answer this question we each took a quiz on Facebook that answered the question “Which famous ‘Happy Days’ character are you?” and we think that gave us a start. Lonnie got “Potsie” and Sara got, as you probably guessed, “Arthur Cunningham”. With both of these characters being pivotal figures in the founding of Rap music and the Hip-Hop lifestyle (at least according to Wikipedia), we realized “we’re not the biker gang type, we’re the Hip-Hop type”.

Being in Nashville, we have access to all kinds of Rap resources, especially with the internet. Sara quickly became a student of Rap, if you will, buying and listening to all the songs she
could so that she could start writing her own songs. But because Lonnie insisted that she only buy the “edited” versions of these songs rather than the “explicit” versions, Sara didn’t realize that certain words had been omitted due to content. She thought they were only blank spaces. For a few weeks, she thought that Rap music was just a series of sentence fragments and unfinished thoughts. Then she was horrified. Now she writes Rap songs under the moniker Que-SaRa about the hardships of motherhood and has the FCC (Fowler Censorship Committee - also known as Lonnie) bleep out words so she sounds legit.

But “what about our darling children?” you might ask. C-Note (Coyle’s new nickname) is excited about his new turntable and his low-rider big wheel and has been turning heads everywhere we go with his new “grill” of gold teeth. He’s more than happy to tell everyone that his little brother Shorty (Miles) just got his first two gold teeth. They grow up so fast, don’t they?

Many of you might be worried about us spending so much money on our children’s toothy bling. What about their college fund or more importantly, the hot tub Sara wants to put in?
You can all rest easy because it didn’t cost us a cent. We just melted down our wedding rings. We’re not as stupid as some of you give us credit for.

Be on the lookout for Sara’s latest single “Bleep on My Hands”, the only Rap written about a diaper change. For realz.

May all your Christmaseses be white,
FCC, Que-SaRa, C-Note, Shorty, and K-Dawg


LISTEN TO SARA'S RAP, "BLEEP ON MY HANDS"
http://soundcloud.com/lonnieleefowler/bleep-on-my-hands-by-que-sara
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2009 - The Year of the Biker Gang

We try to find our place in the world by starting a biker gang. It's hard to believe that we pulled this one off. Miles was born the day before the letters were mailed.
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2009


Yo Dudes, Broads, and Tikes,

Merry Christmas, everybody! It's that time of year again. Folks are out shopping, houses and trees are decorated, and Sara is wearing her maternity pants to make room for all of that holiday comfort food. The difference this year is that she's actually pregnant this time.

With a baby on the way, we knew we couldn't continue the "Lonnie, Sara, Coyle, and Kiddie's Amazing Magic Hour of Wonder Hour" magic show. To add another name to the marquee would have meant that we would have to pay for the extra letters. When you're cheap like us, you'd rather make a radical lifestyle change than pay for a few letters on a sign. It's just common sense. Besides, Sara's "ta-da" gesturing was getting out of control.

Normally, we swing from one idea vine to the next. Homemade LASIK surgery to Marching bands to becoming Amish to traveling Magicians. Just a series of completely logical steps. But, what comes after magic? Nobody knows. We had no idea what to do next. Expecting another baby with no magic show to put food on the proverbial table.

Then this summer, Sara had a dream. She dreamt that she was at her "girl" doctor for an appointment about the baby. So, there she was in her tissue paper princess dress when she said "Doctor, our life as a magical family is over. What do we do now?" And as the emotion welled up inside her, the doctor gently said, "Sara - you and your family should start a biker gang." Then he climbed back onto his unicorn and had to go meet Mr. T for olympic bowling tryouts.

Some folks say this is a crazy dream. But, the important thing is that it's our dream. The Fowler Family dream. The one that we can finally achieve - family biker gang. We can't underestimate the importance of seeking the advice of a medical professional. It is an invaluable thing to do. Or do we mean valuable?

Achieving a lifelong dream in the span of a couple months isn't easy. In fact, we still have to work hard everyday toward "living the dream". For example, we haven't designed a gang logo yet. And we still need motorcycles.

Getting tattoos was one of the first things that we covered. We found a tattoo parlor that has a discount club you can join. They give you this card and you get it stamped each time you get a tattoo. After you get 6 stamps on your card, you get a free child or infant tattoo. Once Sara gets "Big Queen Momma Hawg" finished on her "shoulder", we'll be able to get our new precious baby all inked up. (Lil' Smokey if it's a boy or Lil' Whiskey Breath if it's a girl)

As we shut this year's update down, we'd like to leave you with some inspirational words from the most notorious biker band of all time, Rascal Flatts.

"We live to ride. We ride to live. Me and my gang. Na na. Na na na na na. Na na na na na na."

Ride on,
Ace
Big Queen Momma Hawg
Doc Coy-Man Choppers
Crazy K-Dawg

And coming soon. . .
Lil' Smokey/Lil' Whiskey Breath
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2008 - The Magical Year

We were bad magicians this year. I'm so glad I was able to photoshop my fake tan on instead of having to get one.
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2008


Ladies and Gentlemen,

First things first. You’re probably wondering why we aren’t Amish anymore. Well, it turns out that we never actually were Amish. And based on our use of technology, we were barely even Baptist. We just weren’t ready to give up our modern conveniences. We tried, but have you ever tried texting with a pencil and paper? Awful.

The day we packed up the bonnet and beard was a sad one. How were we going to get by as English in an Amish friendly economy? But when one door closes, another door opens. Or in our case, the curtain to our brand new magic show – “Lonnie, Sara, Coyle, and Kiddie’s Amazing Magic Hour of Wonder Hour” opens.

The idea of getting into magic started when we saw another magician pull a quarter out of someone’s ear. We thought “if magicians can pull money out of someone’s ear anytime they want, imagine what they can do with a 401k!” The easy money that awaited us was just a few sequins and a fake tan away. It hasn’t been easy, though. Lonnie still hasn’t figured out this quarter thing. Apparently there’s some sort of trick involved. The good news is that he started working on other tricks, like how to fill up an entire hour-long magic show without any magic.

Coyle, on the other hand, is a natural when it comes to magic. He’s able to make
coins and other small household items disappear – and sometimes reappear hours later. But, if there’s one thing that he lacks that his parents have, it’s
showmanship. We’ve tried to tell him that crying isn’t good showmanship. Who’s ever heard of a fussy magician (other than Siegfried and Roy)?
Many have wondered, “What does a dog do in a magic show?” We’re not sure. We’re hoping whatever it is, is great. So far, most theaters don’t want to book a magic show where the dog doesn’t have a defined role. Nobody wants a canine prop.

Of course, we tried to give Sara the least challenging aspect of the show, Magician’s Assistant. She gets to pose, smile, and gesture. She likes to think of herself as a triple threat. Most assistants just gesture and smile. We’re hopeful
that the added posing will bring something to our show that the others lack, since our show lacks magic.

Be looking for “Lonnie, Sara, Coyle, and Kiddie’s Amazing Magic Hour of Wonder Hour” to come to your town in 2009. We’re trying to promote our show as family friendly. Although, Sara has to cut back on all the swearing and some of the gesturing. We’re guessing that by the time Lonnie figures out the magic, Coyle stops his fussing, Kiddie does at least something, and Sara can act like a lady, we’ll have one great show lined up.

Hocus Pocus, We’re Still Brocus,
Lonnie, Sara, Coyle, and Kiddie
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2007 - The Year of the Amish

In the first letter that contained one of our own children, we decided to become Amish. It was mostly because everybody wanted to see our baby Coyle in the photo. So, we naturally came up with a premise where we wouldn't want to show his face.


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2007


Dearest English,

It seems as though it has only been a bissel since we last put fedder to paper and wrote our Christmas letter. Each year, the season draws nigh and we find many of you in our gadonka. As we sit here in the light of a kedreck candle, we reflect on the many blessings of the past year.

We are first and foremost, donkbawr for the blessing of a stroobly headed baby boy. With this expensive blessing, we deemed it necessary to simplify our world and “go amish“. The savings on butter alone has been worth it. But, it has been a challenge to get the hang of speaking Pennsylvania Dutch (especially for Sara - who is more familiar with Indiana Dutch). Not all adjustments have been difficult, though. The clothes have been terribly comfortable.

Many of you may be wondering how the introduction of a nochcoomer has changed our lives. To put it simply, he has ivvernooma our hearts. He’s looshtich and leddich and otherwise marickwaerdich. During the bawr-feesich pregnancy, Sara had quite the obbadit and grexed a lot. She was even able to feel his shlooxa after many of her shlovverich shloomers. Lonnie was quite shrecklich about having a schmootzich and rutz-naus honswarsht. But, to be airlich, having a nockich schrooching wee one in windla drinking his buttle has been a plesseer.

But, we’re not the ainsicht ones enjoying Coyle’s brederlich company. Kiddie has fershticked him with love. She likes to buss and butz his face and clean up when he fershitts. Having an amish dog is not without its challenges. We went to great measures to teach her to use the notchthoffa and get her biggla done shnell. We’ve tried to tell her that nobody wants a ferroontzled schnoop-dooch to wipe their shnovvel.

Well, we musn’t go on like a blabbermaul bobbagoy, many of you are most likely hoongerich - ferleicht for some schmecklich holiday tzooker to fersooch and fress - but not an unfershtendich amount that will be shmartlich and that greisles your bauch so much that you will gakutz in an amer.

Love,
Lonnie, Sara, Coyle, & Kiddie

Here's the translation key, just in case you don't know your Pennsylvania Dutch.
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2006 - The Year With Two Octobers

A year that looks thrown together because that was the premise. Our defective calendar had us running late at mailing time. We incorporated our previous year as a marching band conceptually in the letter, having written it on the reverse side of some marching band junk mail.

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2006



The last-minute, letter, scribbled on junk mail. We actually stained each one with coffee and wrinkled them before them went in the envelopes.
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The fictional junk mail on the reverse. It was a reference to our 2005 letter when we started a marching band.
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2005 - The Year of the Fowlertown Marchcing Warriors

This one continues to be one of our favorites and a favorite of many friends and family. We started a marching band to help sara meet friends. No one else auditioned, so naturally it was the trust wo of us. It also brought a recording and our first low-low budget stab at an improv mockumentary.
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2004 - The Year of the Kroger Checkout LASIK

This is the year where we started to actually start to settle into a style for the letter. It was also the first year that we ditched the pre-made holiday photo greetings from the store and started to use photoshop to create the image we wanted, with a greeting and all.
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2004




Dear people,
Merry merry, quite contrerry. Merry Christmas.

Last year, we may have mentioned in passing that we had a time machine. We were mistaken. It was just a cardboard box equipped with a lite brite and an egg timer. We're actually a little embarrassed and frustrated that we spent so much money on it. Especially because the egg timer didn't even work. Nobody likes overcooked eggs.

We realized there was something horribly wrong with our eyes when the overcooked eggs turned out to be golf balls. We knew there was only one solution. Laser vision correction.

Unfortunately, wasting so much money on our "time machine" left us with few options. What do you do when you can't afford a certified LASIK eye surgeon? Who knows - but here's what we did.

Though crude, we believe there are viable "home" remedies for LASIK surgery. The first being - staring into the laser scanner in the self-checkout lane at Kroger. Lonnie's prescription required 7 seconds for each eye. Although this sounds like a good idea, we no longer endorse Kroger as a LASIK eye center. Lonnie's as blind as a baseball bat.

On to Sara. We decided to get serious, borrow some money and buy an argon floride excimer laser machine. The real deal. Our eyes (well at least Sara's) are too precious to gamble on with a grocery store laser. We couldn't borrow enough money to hire the doctor and buy the machine, so we settled on just the laser with Lonnie at the controls.

You may see where this is going. Lonnie didn't. His extremely poor vision led to an extremely botched procedure on both of Sara's eyes.

It has been quite an adjustment since "bad idea '04." At first, it diminished Sara's cross-stitching skills. However, her now abstract looking creations are pulling in some extra cash to help pay off the laser machine. Life hasn't been the same for Lonnie, either. He's been having trouble finishing the crosswords in the TV Guide. We'll get by.

Kiddie has been coping with our poor decision-making like a trooper as always. She's been helping with our financial losses by getting the inside scoop before races down at the dog track.

Well, we're running out of space and don't feel like telling you anything else.

Thanks for your support,

Lonnie, Sara, and KIDDIE
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2003 - The Year(s) of the Time Machine

This one is probably our most bizarre. We were definitely just going for as far off the wall as we could. Hence, the eBay time machine and the space age costumes.
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2003




GREETINGS FROM THE FUTURE!

YES IT IS TRUE THAT WE HAVE A TIME MACHINE. THINGS WERE STARTING TO SEEM A LITTLE DULL AROUND HERE BACK IN MID-SUMMER. KIDDIE'S KRAZY KORRAL FILED CHAPTER 11 AND THE MONKEYS WERE FILING A CLASS ACTION FOR BACK-WAGES. WE NEEDED A BREAK, YOU KNOW, A VACATION - A PLACE TO HIDE FROM ALL OF OUR TROUBLES (AND ANGRY CAPUCHIN MONKEYS).

SARA STARTED SURFING THE NET AND STUMBLED ACROSS A USED TIME MACHINE ON EBAY. WELL, DUH, WE HAD TO BUY IT. WE ROLLED OVER OUR RETIREMENT SAVINGS INTO OUR PAYPAL ACCOUNT AND VOILA, A TIME MACHINE ARRIVED AT OUR DOOR 3 WEEKS BEFORE THE AUCTION ENDED. WE FIGURED, IF THAT'S THE CASE, OUR FUTURE SELVES MUST HAVE WON THE AUCTION. SO, WE MADE SURE THAT OUR PRESENT SELVES BID HIGH ENOUGH SO THAT ALL OF OURSELVES COULD KEEP IT.

AT FIRST, WE WENT BACK IN TIME TO FIND OUT WHO WON THE PAST 25 SUPERBOWLS SO THAT WE COULD BET ON THEM IN THE FUTURE AND GET OUR RETIREMENT SAVINGS BACK. WE RAN OUT OF MONEY BEFORE WE COULD PURCHASE TICKETS TO ALL THOSE GAMES. WE THEN DECIDED TO GO INTO THE FUTURE AND BORROW MONEY FROM OUR FUTURE WINNINGS TO PAY OUR WAY INTO THE REMAINING GAMES. IT ENDS UP BEING A WASH BECAUSE WE WAITED TOO LONG TO BUY TICKETS AND HAD TO GET THEM FROM SCALPERS.

AS FREQUENT TRAVELERS OF THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM, WE'VE LEARNED OF ALL THE NEGATIVE SIDE-EFFECTS. FOR EXAMPLE, WE'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO PLAY GAMES LIKE UNO AND SKIP-BO. ALSO, KIDDIE LIKES TO STICK HER HEAD OUT THE WINDOW WHILE WE'RE EN ROUTE. THAT MAY NOT TOO SOUND BAD. HOWEVER, IF WE'RE NOT CAREFUL, HER HEAD ENDS UP IN ONE MOMENT IN TIME AND HER BODY IS WITH US IN OUR CURRENT PRESENT/FUTURE. WHEN THAT HAPPENS, WE USUALLY SPEND WEEKS LOOKING FOR IT WHO KNOWS WHEN.

IN CLOSING, WE'VE LEARNED THAT OWNING A TIME MACHINE IS A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY, MUCH LIKE OUR ANNUAL FOWLER CHRISTMAS LETTER.

NANU NANU,
Lonnie, Sara, and Spacedog Kiddie
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2002 - The Year of the Angry Cowboy Monkeys

This letter didn't really match the photo, but it was the first time we went out and went thrift-store shopping for our wardrobe. ou favorite thing about this year was all the spelling and improper word usage. It drove us crazy to write, but we had fun. It was even more fun when friends missed the joke that we had actually done it intentionally, so they had to tell us that things weren't spelled right.
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2002




To Whom it May Concern:

In an effort to be more politicaly corect, we have decided too change our Christmas letters to Happy Holiday Greetings. Aparently, our past letters have offended the Irish - among others. (You know how cranky they can be.) This may not be "P.C." (if you will) but we will continue are Christmas tradition of writing in American.

We just flew back from Budapest, Hungry and boy are are arms tired. Sara's new hobby took us there. She is collecting pocket knives. Although we were able to acrew thousand of frequent flyer miles, we learned that it's the Swiss that are known for there cutlery - not just there cheese. Our new stance of no ethnic stereotypes really helped us break down the barriers between us and the people of Hungry. It turns out they don't smell - but there knives stink. If we learned one thing on this trip, we have already forgotten it.

While we were there, Lonnie entered a chess competition. He was the oldest participant by about 15 or so years. He made it to the second round (his first competitor wet his pants and had to go). So there we were - second round. We soon learned the eror of our ways. Lonnie had one to many at the Grape Juicery that morning. You would be surprised about how fast that stuff goes through you, so we had to go.

Upon our return home, we discovered our dog, Kiddie, had become quite the entreprenure. She purchased several monkeys on eBay (from Hungry, no less) and started Kiddie's Krazy Korral. It's the rootin' tootin'est rodeo she's ever started. There's nothing like screaming monkeys whizzing by on dogs, hearding sheep and small children. It's certainly worth the price of admission she charges us.

We suppose you are wondering - what about Powerbacco - the juice you don't spit, that sports drink we developed last year. Well, the plantation burned down. Two-thousand acres of addictive bliss - up in smoke. We have both gained some weight since the fire was extingwished. When we say "some" we mean "a lot" and when we say "we", we mean Sara.

In summery, we collect knives, we went to Hungry, it gets a little blurry, then all of a sudden, Kiddie's riding around with a monkey, chasing sheep.

We hope that you all have a wonderfull Happy Holiday Greeting.

Sincerely, Yours Truly, and Where is Tom Dooley,
Lonnie and Sara
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2001 - The Year of the Smile

The year we met with image consultants. Our favorite reaction that year was a friend's dad that just "assumed we ran into some money and got Sara an implant."
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2001




Dearest family, friends, and people we feel obligated to send a Christmas letter to,

It's that time of year again. Time for holiday cheer, decorating trees, singing carols, playing in the snow, twinkling lights, candles, the fire department, coaxing Sara out of a second story window, staying at the neighbor's house, remembering to get their permission, the police department, mug shots, and posting bail. You know, all the regular holiday stuff. Fond memories for us all.

Well, things in Nashville have really picked up since we starting meeting with our image consultant. The results have been amazing. Notice anything different? Our social life has. . . Well, mosty Sara's. Lonnie just can't stop smiling.

We needed a new start after the big fire at Stitched in Grease. The authorities said there's only so much you can do when you've got a doughnut shop full of flaming embroidered cactus pillows. We now know how true that is.

We're sure you're all wondering 'what do you do when your dreams go up in smoke'? You take that big fat insurance check and buy a tobacco plantation is what you do. That's right, two-thousand acres of addictive bliss. We're even about to market a tobacco flavored sports drink -Powerbacco - the juice you don't spit. But before you call us up for an order, our lawyer said to tell you it might make you pretty sick. With that out of the way, there are two flavors - Regular and Irregular. Regular is $5 a case, Irregular, $5 Canadian.

In our spare time, we've been very busy. We've been to Gary, IN twice. And if that's not enough, we've been tearing up the local karaoke circuit, getting our fair share of line dancing, and taking in all the NASCAR you can shake a stick at. The karaoke started happening for us once we got the new image going. We've been bringing down the house with our rousing rendition of "Islands in the Stream." To be honest, we've won quite a bit of prize money. But don't worry, we'll put every spare penny into developing some new smooth and refreshing Powerbacco flavors.

Other than that, not much is new. Lonnie is still doing jury part time and Sara is still doing community service.

In conclusion,
Lonnie and Sara
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2000 - The Year We Borrowed a Baby

We borrowed our friend's baby for this photo. We never said she was ours, but we never said she wasn't. Our parents had some angry relatives and friends that thought they had missed a birth announcement. With it being just the second year of this Christmas letter tradition, nobody was expecting anything crazy. We're not prank people, but we loved pulling this prank.

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2000




Holiday Greetings All Ye Friends and Family!

So much has happened in the last year. Where do we begin?

We've eaten 2,076 meals, slept 4,582.4 hours, put 18,374 miles on the Blazer, worked 26,680 hours, read 257 jokes out of Readers' Digest (not including Campus Comedy), and we've personally hand counted7,886,334 7,409,822 7,008,531 2 ballots. (by the way, we've moved to Tennessee and have added a new Fowler to our ranks.)

Just to clear things up right away, our names are once again Lonnie and Sara Fowler. It turns out there is a couple named Bill and Susan Gaines here in Nashville who started a cult called Jemormonism, the Church of Saturday Saints. We found this out after receiving many gifts, checks, sums of cash, and miscellaneous objects to bless. Obviously, they were sent to the wrong Bill and Susan Gaines. However, we cashed enough checks to buy Sara's dream, a doughnut and embroidery shop called Stitched in Grease. What a delicious blessing.

Between doughnuts and embroidered cactus pillows, Sara is working on her G.E.D. It turns out that her high school experience was actually a practical joke. We were astonished at how many people were in on it. Keep your calendars marked for June of 2008.

Meanwhile, Lonnie is training for the third installment of the TV show Survivor. We are praying it will take place in Delaware. He thinks he will be a step ahead of the others after reading Chicken Soup for the Delaware Survivor. He is able to take the time off because he is sitting on a golden egg of a song. It is very catchy, good beat, and even has a dance to got with it. It's called the Macarena. Keep your fingers crossed.

For those of you who haven't already met her, we'd like to introduce you to Ana Lee. She enjoys eating, sleeping, and the numbers one and two. Although she hasn't said it in these exact words, we're pretty sure she likes life here in Tennessee. We hope she grows up to be as pretty as her mommy and as musical as her daddy. This may come as a shock, but our lives haven't changed much since she's been born. What a bundle of joy.

Sorry, but we've got to go. We think there is a van full of disgruntled Jermormonites hurling stale doughnuts at our door. At least it's good for business.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Merry Christmas!

Love,
Lonnie, Sara, and Ana Lee
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1999 - The Inaugural Year

The one that started it all. While visiting family at Thanksgiving, we saw a letter like this from some distant friends or friends of our parents. We threw the ida out there "What if we did one of those Christmas letter/year end updates, but nothing in it would be true? One subtly-off photo and one letter full of whatever we wanted followed. And thus, an odd family tradition was born.
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1999




Dear Family and Friends,
It's hard to believe it's already been a month since we sent our last letter. Frankly, we were a bit surprised that no one responded to our free recipe book offer. We trust you all are doing well.

Well, life has been busy for Sara lately with her two jobs and all. The telemarketing has been going well. She had someone on the line for an hour the other day before she got hung up on. Her boss says with that kind of work, she will surely be getting a promotion. She may not take it if they decide to hire her on full time down at the karate school. She's getting a callous on her forehead from breaking so many boards. We're so excited.

Lonnie has had plenty of time to spare while collecting his unemployment checks. He got replaced at the battery factory. Apparently, they have machines that tests 9volts better than his tongue. He is hoping to get a job at the state fair in the summer as a rodeo clown. Please keep him in your prayers, they're very picky.

Well, here's some exciting news. We're expecting a new arrival. We're planning on getting a cute little cactus for the bathroom. We think that would be a nice addition to the family. We do need more plants.

Some more news, Sara is pretty sure she saw Elvis at the Piggly Wiggly. She was picking up the new issue of the Backstreet Boys article in Seventeen magazine. Lonnie says that can't be true because at the same time, across town, he saw Elvis at the Old Country Buffet. Lonnie thinks that "The King" has lost some weight since his last appearance. He's down to 450 or so. Please keep praying for his weight loss.

In our last letter, we told you about the leprechaun that was staying with us. Well, he and Sara had a few words and we decided it was time for him to move on. We gave him a few of your names and addresses. We hope you don't mind. If he shows up, don't ask for any wishes or talk about his height. Bad idea.

We may be moving soon! Our neighbor next door talked about trading apartments. We've always wanted to move a little further south. We're still working on some of the details, because he's not sure if they'll allow cacti in his apartment. We so do need more plants.

Our Y2K shelter is almost built. We've been stocking up on extension cords and just bought a nice cappuccino maker. Just a couple of more nuclear weapons and we'll be ready for anything. We just hope that the power doesn't go out.

Well, Merry Christmas and Happy Y2K.
Bill and Susan Gaines

P.S. We had our names legally changed from Lonnie and Sara Fowler